Letting Go and making room...

 Letting go and making room...

 

I gazed at the glass frosted picture frame across from where I was sitting in my living room. I was trying to remember the emotions I felt during the specific time the photo was taken.  The picture captured my youngest daughter a day after she was born in the arms of my oldest daughter, who was eight years old.   You would think the puddle of rain that dripped steadily from the bank of my eyes like a leaking faucet was because of the memory of bringing my precious baby girl into this world, but it wasn't.  Echoes of silence drew me closer to the picture and all I could see is my oldest daughter big beautiful smile & puppy dog eyes. She was so young and the innocence in her eyes called out to me "I will always be your baby girl."  I slid out of my comfortable ottoman chair and managed to crawl over to my lamp stand to grab for her.  Picking that frame up gave me a sense of comfort as if I was picking her up and holding her tightly in my arms.  The photo began to reveal something that had been hidden to me all this time.  It began to give me answers to questions concerning my oldest daughter that I had throughout the years as she transitioned from my little girl, to a teenager, and now to a young adult.

See it had been me and her against the world the first four years of her life.  Who else other than God was going to love her unconditionally the way that I did?  She was my first born and I was her first love. She was mine and I in return was hers.  I was the first person who held her in my arms and yes, I was her first kiss.  I was the first person to ever hold her hand, dry her tears, and sing her to sleep.  In the picture she was holding in her arms another person she would have to share me with.  She smiled big for the camera as she held her baby sister the best she could due to her arm being broken at school just a few weeks before. I didn't even recognize it then but as I found myself staring at the picture I realized that she was very excited, but just like her arm she was very fragile as well.  My mother's intuition must have not been tuned into how hard it must have been for her to let me go and share me with not only one but now two sisters. Not to mention that I also married two years before that!  I gripped the side edges of the frame even harder wishing I could go back in time to let her know how much she meant to me; that no one could ever take her place in my heart.  Do you ever wish you could go back in time with the wisdom that you have now?  You know go back to the time before our children no longer desired to hold our hands  because they wanted to be a big girl/boy.  Remembering the times before you had to hear those words "mom don't kiss me in front of my friends."  You know before they started picking out their clothes on their own, before they started closing their room door, before they started reading the books on their own, and before your singing was the last thing they wanted to hear before going to bed (lol).  Or before they wanted to hang out with friends instead of being home having fun with you.  Wishing you could go back to the times when they use to tell you everything. Yes, going back to the moments when you were the greatest person in their eyes who could fix anything and do no wrong.

My beautiful daughter is now eighteen years old and yesterday I had to loosen my grip a little and let go as we moved her into her college dorm room.  Can you say "Bitter/Sweet?"  Looking at her picture today I now know how she must have felt when she had to loosen her grip and learn to share me.  My baby girl had to make room in her heart as our family was expanding.  I can only imagine how she must have felt when she realized I wasn't perfect and was capable of making huge mistakes. Or how she felt the first time I said something that hurt her even though I didn't mean it.  I can better understand how she felt when other things in my life were stressing me, but I couldn't really talk to her about it (leaving her to wonder was it her).  I know how hard it was for her to hear me say, "There are some things that you are going to have to figure out on your own." Today while gazing into my daughter's eyes the photo allowed me to grasp a better understanding of some of the emotions she had to work through because I now find myself experiencing some of those same emotions. I am the one who has to make room in my heart as her world expands. I am the one who is now realizing she is not perfect and that she is capable of making mistakes. I am the one who has to learn not to take things personal when she says things she doesn't mean.  I am the one  learning that there are some things that she rather not talk to me about.  I am the one who can hear her saying back to me… "Mom you have to let me figure things out for myself."

God used this precious life to save my life. I started off as the teacher in her life and ended up being becoming a student.  I am truly grateful for the "before" times. They are my memories captured in my heart which is where she will always live no matter where she is. I am so proud of her.

 I didn't make all the right decisions being a mom, but one decision I made was training her up in the ways of the Lord.  She accepted God as her Lord and Savior.  As a mom it gives me peace because I am assured that He will never leave her or forsake her. He will be with her always even to the end of the earth.  She has started her college journey and she is not alone! Yesterday was not a goodbye but a day that I had to make room in my heart for her to grow; make room in my heart as her world expands.

With tears of gratitude, I say thank you to God, my husband who is amazing dad, her sisters, my church family, her grandparents, the host of aunties, uncles, and friends who have helped me raise her.  It truly does take a village to raise a family.  So many have helped us in this transition and all I can say is My God is awesome, this is what it truly means to be wealthy. 

To my baby girl I say thank you for allowing me to love you and impart in you.  Thank you for helping me become not only a better mom but a better person. You are truly a  super star!

p.s. -  mom and dad … I now understand!

 

Tiffany James, Encouraging Touch Enterprise
"Give a gift that creates a Legacy to Encourage, Inspire, and Bless those you love for a life time"

  http://www.encouragingtouch.com/